


Help Me Save You

by SincerityExtreme



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/F, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Self-Harm, please don't read if it triggers you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22834231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SincerityExtreme/pseuds/SincerityExtreme
Summary: Kara's battling with depression and Lena is there to help.A warning once again for description of self-harm, please don't read it if it triggers you, take care yourself!
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 24
Kudos: 129





	Help Me Save You

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, so, I wasn't going to post this because I literally just wrote it to try and help myself. I'm in a really bad place right now. I've been battling with depression and other stuff for years now (like eating disorder, ADHD, anxiety...) and it got so much worse this past 2 years. It's also so hard to keep going when you're completely alone. I do have a friend now, I thank her for having quite literally saved my life last year almost everyday, but I still need professional help and I can't afford it. Me and my family have been unemployed for so many years, it's hard to do everything, it's scary and stressful and it makes everything worse. Anyway, in the end I decided to post this in case anyone that follows me here is going through something similar, I want you to know that you're not alone, please don't give up! I know it's hard, sometimes I want to give it all up, but one day we'll be ok and we'll thank ourselves for having kept fighting. If anyone ever needs to talk about something, I'm on tumblr and open to chat and help however I can, we need to stick together during this dark times.  
> I'm not really satisfied with how I ended it, I wanted to add more stuff but I think this is all I can manage to get out for now.

Kara knew this wasn’t the answer. She was aware that, when the morning came, she would regret doing it and everything would come crumbling down on top of her. Again. She knew she shouldn’t do this, that talking to someone was a better, safer option, but how do you even start to talk about these things? How can you turn to someone and say that you’re so tired and in so much pain, that all you can do is force a different type of pain onto yourself in hopes that it’ll ease everything around you and silence that voice in the back of your mind telling you to just end it all. Telling you that nothing will change, this is your life now and it’s not worth it to keep going. Telling you that you’re just a burden on everyone’s life. Your family and your friends, they try so hard but you know deep down they’re tired of having to deal with this almost every single day. They say it’s not your fault and that they’ll always love you, that they’ll do everything in their power to help you as much as they can, but that voice doesn’t let you believe them. It tells you that they’re lying, that they’re so tired they can’t wait for you to leave their lives forever so they can finally start living properly without someone holding them back, demanding help and attention. 

Kara sat there on the floor, her back against the bed, just letting her thoughts run wild while staring at the closed lead box and holding tight onto the tiny razor blade that had become her best friend a few months ago.  
After almost 15 minutes just staring at it without moving and barely blinking, she opened the box and the green light instantly lit the dark room. She watched as her veins turned green and a sense of weakness took over her. She didn’t need the kryptonite to feel weak these days but she needed it to make herself actually vulnerable. She opened her hand and looked at the tiny, sharp object she was holding. How could such a small thing hold so much power against her? When did this became the thing she turned to when everything was too much around her? Question she would probably never get the answer to.  
As she drawn the first line, she tried to think of what was the reason for this today. Everything has been wrong for a while now, but usually she could pinpoint the exact moment her mind told her this was how her night needed to end for her to able to sleep.  
As she draws the second line, she allowed her tears to fall, remembering that it wasn’t what happened today, it was the collection of shit that had been going on during the past 2 weeks. Actually, at this point, it was everything. There wasn’t just one specific thing for her to point at and place the blame on. Her whole life was the problem. She was the problem.  
On the third line her brain took over and decided to go back to every bad thing that had happened in her life. Her demons screamed and laughed while she just watched as her blood dripped onto the floor, mixing with her tears. 

Lena came back a little bit past 11pm that night. She was exhausted after dealing with her family’s and company problems. She took her shoes off and threw them by the door. 

“Kara? I brought dinner.” Lena shouted from the kitchen. The lights were off all over the house but Kara was usually home by this time. Lena thought that maybe the girl was tired and decided to go bed as soon as she came home, she usually called when she got held up at work and after checking her phone just to be sure, Lena saw that she hasn’t got a single message from Kara all day today. “Kara?” She tried one more time but she was once again met with silence.  
Lena got everything in the fridge and decided to check on their room. The door was closed so she knocked softly before opening it.  
She was a bit shocked as soon as she laid eyes on her girlfriend, but this wasn’t the first time she had witnessed something like this so she knew better than to make a scene or freak out.  
Lena slowly walked towards Kara and spoke as softly as she could manage.  
“Hey, Kara? Look at me baby.” She tried but Kara didn’t move, she just kept staring down at her arm and whispering words she couldn’t understand. “Sweetheart, are you with me?” She knelt besides Kara and snapped her fingers a few times but the girl still didn’t seem to be listening. “Come on, you need to wake up. Come back to me baby, I’m here!” Lena tried to reach for the razor but the moment she touched Kara’s hand, the girl started to whimper, her lips trembling and eyes wide in panic as she held her tiny “friend” against her chest, hands closed in a tight fist. “Hey, hey, it’s ok. Open your hand baby, give it to me.”

“I’m sorry!” Kara cried weakly, still holding onto the tiny object as if her life dependent on it. 

“I'm not mad, I just need you to give it to me so I can help you.”

“No, I need it. I need this!” She started sobbing, her vision was getting blurry, the room was spinning and Lena’s voice sounded distant. 

“You can’t be exposed to kryptonite for this long. Give me the box and the razor so I can help you, Kara, please?”

“You can’t help me. I’m too weak and stupid.” Kara spat the words with disappointment and disgust “You should just go, you’re better off without me holding you back. You probably hate me already anyway, what kind of hero am I? I’m pathetic, you deserve better and I know deep inside you want to leave.”

“Don’t say that, you know it’s not true.” Lena brush a strand of Kara’s hair behind her ear so she could see the girl’s face. “I love you more than anything in the world and I’m right here with you, I’ll always be. Now please, give it to me. I promise won’t ask how you got it, just give it to me and let’s get cleaned up. We can talk about what’s going on if you want, but I won’t force you, tell me what you need and we’ll figure it out together.”

“It's night.” Kara said with her eyes closed. 

“I know. I’ll clean it and wrap something around your arm, it’ll heal as soon as the sun comes out.”

“I’m so tired.”

“I know baby, I’m sorry. I’ll close the box now, ok?” She waited until Kara nodded. “There. Now we should call your sister for her to take it back to the DEO.”  
Kara looked up at Lena, her eyes full of panic again.  
“Alright, it’s ok, we can talk about this tomorrow. I’m going to put this in the living room and then I’ll go grab the first aid kit in the bathroom, alright?” Kara only nodded and sighed tiredly. “I’ll be right back baby.” Lena got up and walked away.

Kara watched as Lena walked away with the one thing she needed the most tonight. She started to cry at this thought, remembering how less than a year ago she used to hold onto Lena when she felt sad and tired and how her family and friends used to be her safe place before that. But now? Well, now she can’t even think about any of them without breaking down because she truly believes they can’t handle her anymore. She opened her fist and dropped the now completely useless razor blade. She looked at it with disappointment. Disappointed in herself for not being strong enough to fight this urge but also disappointed at it for not being able to help her when she didn’t have the kryptonite. She wished she was human. After she came to earth this thought was always at the back of her mind, mostly because she had a hard time fitting in anywhere but the thought used to make her feel guilty for being ashamed of her family. Now she wished she was human because being her made everything about this harder. She couldn’t be sad, she wasn’t allowed to feel weak or tired because she needed to be a hero. Everyone needed her but no one could see that she needed help too. They couldn’t see that she needed to be saved from an enemy she couldn’t just punch or blast with her laser eyes. She couldn’t just fight this enemy by herself because he’s too strong, even for Supergirl.

Kara was still sobbing when Lena walked back into the room. She sighed, not knowing what to do at this point. She knew she couldn’t force Kara to talk, it would just make her shut down even more, but she also couldn’t sit back and wait, one day she could come home a minute too late and she wouldn’t be able to live with that. The pain and guilt would eat her alive, bit by bit, until there was nothing left.  
She extended her hand to help Kara up and sat her down on the edge of the bed. She then knelt in front of her and quietly cleaned the girl’s arm and both her hands and wrapped sterile gauze around them. She gave Kara’s arm and hands a gentle kiss and looked up at the girl that was still fighting the hiccups from the meltdown but was looking at her with a bit of confusion. “My real mother used to say that a kiss can cure any wound. I know this is just a silly thing most good mothers tell their kids to help calm them down when they get hurt, but it’s the thought that counts and it always helped me when I was little.” 

“Oh, I guess that makes sense.” Kara’s voice sounded hoarse and tired so Lena got back up and started to move around the room. 

“Ok, I’ll help you change so you can lie down while I clean up the floor.”  
Kara looked down and saw the mess she had completely forgotten about. Her eyes started to fill up with tears again and she looked up at Lena looking guilty.  
“Hey, no, don’t cry. It’s ok, really. I’ll be done really quickly and we can talk or just watch a movie if you want, okay?”

“O-okay.” Kara took a deep breath a cleaned the little tear that had escaped. 

“Alright. Now come here…” Lena helped Kara stand up and took the stained clothes off of her and got the clean pajamas on. “There, you can lie down now if you want, I’ll be right back.” She kissed Kara’s cheek and walked out of the room again.  
Lena cleaned everything in silence, without any fuss or comments. Kara apologized a few times but Lena kept repeating that she understood and that everything was fine, so eventually Kars fell silent and just watched until Lena was done and walked out of the room again to throw everything away.  
“So...” She said while walking towards the bed and sitting down besides Kara. “What do you want to do?” Kara only shrugged and started picking at the bandages on her hand. “Do you want to tell me what happened? Or why you’ve been so distant lately?”

“I don’t want to worry you.” Kara’s voice was just a bit above a whisper.

“You not talking to me at all worries me a lot more than if you told me what’s going on. Look, I won’t force you to talk, you can take your time, I will wait as long as you need, but please, don’t shut me off just to protect me, you need to help me help you.”

“I’m just... So tired. I'm tired all the time. It doesn’t matter if I sleep for 2 or 12 hours, I always wake up exhausted. I feel like a failure all the time. Most of the times I can’t sleep at night, I get up after you’ve felled asleep and go to the living room and just cry until the sun comes up, then I come back and take a nap before my alarm goes off. When I do sleep at night, I feel like I can’t move in the morning. Some nights, I close my eyes and beg to just sleep for weeks but I always wake up the next morning and realize I’ll have to start everything again and I don’t know if... I don’t know how much more of this I can take, I'm tired of fighting.”

“I understand it, I really do.” Lena sat up and looked down at her hands before talking again. “You know that I've been dealing with a lot since I was 4, my mother died and Lionel took me into his house even though Lillian begged him not to. She hated me so much and it got worse when I turned 10. Depression “officially” came when I was 14 or 15 and I started to have... Let’s say some bad coping mechanisms when I was 16. The first time I did it was on my birthday, actually. I was sitting alone in my room and my dark thoughts were being so loud that day that I just couldn’t stop myself. Lex caught me, he grabbed me by the arm and dragged me into the bathroom to clean me up before mother came home. We never talked about it and I learned to be more careful after that, like, just doing it in my bathroom with the door locked or waiting until everyone was away on a business trip. The second time I was caught, I was in boarding school. It was a Friday, everyone was getting ready for another weekend party but I had no friends and if mother found out I went to a party instead of studying, she would definitely kill me so, it was not worth it trying. It had been a very complicated couple of weeks for me, I was stuck in a depressive episode but I couldn’t do anything about it, I had to keep going to all the classes and making some professional calls mother sent to me so I could practice to take over the company when I was done. When my roommate walked out, I ran into the bathroom and started it. I think I was crying very loudly because next thing I know, my roommate was walking in and screaming. She said she had forgotten her phone and came back to get it and heard me crying so she wanted to check what was going on. She helped me get clean up and threw my razor away, I had another one in my bag but I was shocked that she cared that much. I stopped for a while after that because I was scared of being caught by her again. The year after, my roommate reached her breaking point and that was the first time I witnessed someone doing it in real life. The third and last time I was caught, it was Jack who found me. We’ve been dating for almost a month and things at L-Corp were not going well so I was staying with him for a while, I didn’t want to but it was my only option at that point. We had a big fight that morning before he went to work, then I was watching the news and saw so many bad things that I started to get worse. The breaking point that day was when mother called me to scream and call me names because I wasn’t making millions with L-Corp. She said she had left everything ready for me and that I shouldn’t have tried to change anything. She talked for almost an hour without letting me say anything back. I broke down the moment she ended the call. I cried for a good while and eventually I heard a little voice in the back of my mind telling me to do it, that I knew I wanted to, and I was too far gone to fight it so I did it. Jack came home earlier that day and he found me in my room.” She paused for a second and looked up at Kara. “The fact that I wasn’t comfortable sharing a room with him after 3 years sharing a room with 3 different girls should’ve been a sign that I wasn’t straight, but this isn’t our topic today, sorry.” She shook her head and went back to she was talking about. “So, he walked into the room after calling my name a bunch of times, he got worried when I didn’t reply and went to look for me. He didn’t make a scene, didn’t screamed or dragged me around, he just asked me what had happened and if there’s anything he could do to help. I cried myself to sleep on his chest that night. I had never been so vulnerable in front of anyone before, but I was so tired and I really liked him. Not to date, but as a friend, everything started to work out between us after I understood that. He helped me through so many things, he was an awesome friend, like Andrea for so many years, Sam and you. I stopped right after I moved here and met you but it wasn’t easy.” Lena finally sighed and moved herself to sit facing Kara. “I'm telling you this, not to make you feel bad for me but to show you that I really understand how hard it is to fight our demons. I may not understand exactly what you’re going through, but I do understand what’s like to battle depression while also constantly dealing with really stressful situations.”  
Kara couldn’t talk back at first, she just looked at Lena’s eyes, her own eyes full with pain but also pride and asked for a hug by opening her arms. She laid her head on Lena’s shoulder and silently cried for a bit. 

“I-I’m so p-proud of you.” She managed to get out a few minutes later, face still hiding on Lena’s neck. 

“Thank you. I’m really proud of you too, talking about it isn’t easy.”

“I want to stop.” She said after sitting up and looked down at her arm. “I swear I do, but I don’t know how. It’s the only thing that makes them quiet and I can’t handle them screaming all the time.”

“I know honey.” She held Kara’s face softly and looked into her eyes “And I know you want to stop, but like I said, it isn’t easy to fight them. There’s no cure for this, unfortunately, we’ll fight it for the rest of our lives, and I know it sounds horrible and like a waste of time but it isn’t. I’m not going to say it’s easy because it’s not, far from it in fact, but it’s worth it baby. The moment you start to see color again, the moment you look out of the window and it’s not raining anymore, the moment all your other feelings comes back, it’s so worth it. Things do get better when you ask for help and also when you have love around you. I just had one friend and still, she had love enough to help me through everything, but you, Kara, you have friends and family by your side. I know it’s hard to let everyone help and I know you feel like a burden, but I swear to you, you’re not a burden. All we want is to help you feel better so you can enjoy life like you deserve. I want you to know that, you can always come to me, for anything, you can tell me anything you want and feel comfortable with.”

“I know I can, it’s just not easy when it’s actually happening. They’re so loud that I can’t hear my own thoughts so it’s hard to will myself to call someone. They always tell me I shouldn’t because I’m being too much, and I just listen to them because I’m scared of losing any of you.”

“I understand that, we’ll figure it out together baby, I promise. For now, while you’re here with me, want to tell me about it?” Lena held Kara’s hand and kissed it again. 

“Well, it’s not the first time I’ve done it.”

“I know. I’ve done it far too many times not to recognize practice. You can tell me whatever you want and you don’t have to explain anything you’re not ready to, alright?”

“Alright.” Kara took a deep breath before starting to explain everything. “I was at the DEO and I felt like I needed to do something to make myself forget about the pain I was in, at least for a while. I thought about the kryptonite training room, but Alex could find me there at any moment, so I found an empty room that used to be an office but they had moved it somewhere else. I found that box on our safe and it felt like it was calling me. I hid in the room with it, I sat there for almost an hour, just looking at the stupid box. My head was screaming during all that time and suddenly, I saw that tiny, shiny thing laying on the floor, it must have fallen from one of the equipment, and I just knew what to do. I grabbed it and sat back besides the box and finally opened it. As soon as I did, I felt myself getting weaker and just… did it. It was morning so as soon as I closed it and walked out of the room, my arms healed, I just cleaned everything up and kept working as if nothing had happened. I did it for months but 2 weeks ago, they decided to turn that room into another break room for the agents. There were too many agents and they didn’t fit in just 2 rooms so, yeah. I got the kryptonite and brought it here, I hid it under my clothes in the closet but I had never used it here before, I just couldn’t handle it today.”

“Thank you for telling me. Is there anything I can do to help? What do you think you need?”

“I don’t know.” Her eyes welled up with tears again. “I’m sorry, I’m just… it’s all…”

“Hey, it’s alright. You don’t have to apologize for having a hard time. Come here.” This time Lena opened her arms and waited until Kara laid on her chest. “Look, I’ll be here every step of the way and so will your sister, Elisa and all of your friends, but I think it’ll be good for you to talk to a professional. It doesn’t have to be right now, we can get used to the idea first and then we can sit and talk about it more seriously, but I really think it would help you more to have that.”

“No! I won’t do it again! Please, Lena, I can’t go! I’ll… I just need you, please don’t leave me t…” Kara started to panic again, she knew this was going to happen, no one could handle it anymore, she was too much. 

“No, Kara, that’s not what I meant.” Lena looked down at Kara and tried to get her attention again. “I'm sorry, I expressed myself badly. I meant that it will probably be better for you to have both our help at home and a professional help, so we can learn what’s best for you, how to properly help you.” She kept caressing Kara’s back until the girl was breathing properly again. 

“But… how can I… I’m Supergirl…” Kara looked confusedly at Lena. 

“I know, but I heard Alex talking about a therapist that started working at the DEO a while ago to help some of the agents with PTSD and other things, if she works at the DEO, she obviously knows most of the truth so you won’t have to hide anything while talking. I won’t force you to go, Kara, I just gave you an option.”

“Can you go with me?” Kara looked so small right now, so fragile and vulnerable. 

“Of course I can. You’ll have to go by yourself after but I can walk in with you on the first day and then, on the other days I’ll take you and wait outside.”

“I'm scared.” She pouted and rested against Lena’s chest again. 

“It’s ok to be scared. I’m here though, and I want to help. I don’t want you to get as bad as I did. I need you here with me, I want to spend the rest of my life with you so I need you to help me save you my love. Talk to me about whatever you need and we’ll fight this battle together!”

“Thank you.” Kara said, still a bit emotional. “I love you!”

“I love you too!”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!  
> English is not my first language so let me know if you notice any mistakes.  
> You can send me prompts on my tumblr: sincerity--extreme and tips on how i can improve on my writing are also welcome


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